After work Friday night, white wine, ladies opening up their— laptops together:
“A” and I check who’s writing to us on OKCupid.com to make sure there’s no over-lapping. We have different types for the most part. We have one overlap who was an attempted set up with her in real life years ago- so that’s alright.
We turn on the “anonymous browsing” <— (new band name) and read messages guys sent us.
Here is what came in the in-box and doesn’t work:
Translation: I’m kinda scared of women. That’s it?
“Know anyone who wants a roommate?” #Fail
Translation: I’m a psycho killer. Why would I recommend some weird dude with dark photos I don’t know to live with my friends?
“Are you only attracted to guys taller than 5’6”? If so, then disregard. Sorry.” #Fail
Translation: That is my life’s hang-up. Get over it. Plenty of not so tall guys who can rock it. Bottom of the barrel low self-esteem. This guy has the bit about height twice in his profile and then continued with “My brother is 6′ and therefore able to have a girlfriend” #Eesh
“Your cute.” #Fail
Translation: I need to go back to first grade. It’s you’re.
“What should I eat tonight?” #Fail
Translation: I need a mommy. Yawn- it’s says you’re into vegetables right there on your profile.
“Have you ever been driven down the PCH in a vintage Porsche while listening to When in Rome?” #Fail
Translation: I have a small dick. Seriously, dude?
Here’s one that’s funny, but photos didn’t quite do it:
“I am a single late 1970s model, low mileage, and high performance. Bumped a few times, but never wrecked. Proven ability to hug the road and not wander off course. Exterior in mint condition, warm, affectionate, sensitive interior, never soiled. Factory equipped package includes stereo, humor, depth, imagination and intelligence. Radio picks up all kinds of rock and classical. Spacious seats with plenty of room for passenger…runs on high-octane fun and romance, lifetime supply included. Have already completed a 128-point inspection, so this is no lemon. Actively maintains a new-car scent.
Available for inspection by female drivers only, prefer affectionate woman, no dependents, eye-catching exterior, self-confident, intelligent, warm, sincere with sense of humor and full set of tools.
I come from a close solid family; would like to my traditions with someone special. Equipped with nice endowment (i.e. hood ornaments). Only driven once a week by little old lady to/from supermarket. To arrange test drive, please write me (anytime). HAPPY MOTORING!”
Translation: I’m clever.
Ladies, send us the worst messages you’ve gotten. Make us feel better.
Guys, get back to the drawing board.
P.S. On photos– posing with other people’s dogs, with muppets, with “other hot women” isn’t going to score you points either.
Also, re-writing people who say nicely “thanks, but no thanks” will get you blocked, nutters. Get the hint.
Happy dating, LA! <3 T
This weekend = T&A Escape LA and go to Palm Springs